


Loud Silence & Quiet Noise

by TuskedLioness



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Depression, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Out of Character, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Psychological Drama, Roommates, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Social Phobia, Some Humor, Suicide Attempt, also dont read this for the ships unless you like flashbacks and angst, also the third rewrite but its the last one i swear to all things holy, mostly with pearl, this is my catharsis fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 19:41:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20159017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuskedLioness/pseuds/TuskedLioness
Summary: Social recluse Pearl White has a whole host of problems, but her most prominent setback is her crippling fear of people. She has no friends and can barely raise her voice above a whisper.After making a mistake one night and having nothing to lose, Pearl disappears and moves to the obsolete, rural town of Beach City. It's a place that has a history with Pearl, so much so that it is both her refuge and punishment.There, Pearl meets old friends, old enemies and new acquaintances. She also learns that she can't run from or dwell on her problems forever. Can she leave her own head?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> well almost a year later and the wait is finally over. here is the third and FINAL rewrite of Connected (now renamed Loud Silence & Quiet Noise, because i am NOT renaming this thing Connected Redux Redux you know what i mean? lol). if you're a new reader that hasn't read the previous Connected's, then congrats! you didnt have to put up with my crap!
> 
> i promise to all things holy that i am not rewriting this story after this. this is the final draft. not to mention, rewriting stories is exhausting.
> 
> \--
> 
> im going to discuss some of the changes between Redux and this one. if you're not interested, just skip to the story.
> 
> \--
> 
> Loud Silence & Quiet Noise will be very similar to Redux, unlike how the first Connected *shudders* is nothing like Redux in the slightest. its just a much neater version of Redux, with a plot that isn't a disaster. there are also some other things i changed:
> 
> **1) Parts of Beach City's setting.** Nothing significant.  
**2) Removal / switching of some of the cast that wasn't necessary.** The reason I did this was not just to save the plot but also to save some characters for the sequel. (Yes I'm writing a sequel.)  
**3) Removing the romantic subplot by a large degree.** This is the one I fear will upset past readers the most. The reason I did this is because this story was first and foremost not about romance, but about healing. I don't think Pearl is ready for a relationship yet.  
**4) Neater plot.** The fillers and pointless scenes are gone.  
**5) Slight change in scenes but nothing huge.** It's a rewrite so it's inevitable.
> 
> \--
> 
> and...thats pretty much it! thanks to those who waited and welcome new readers.

Pearl made a mistake. That was why she was here: On the bus, traveling over a thousand miles and across several states, away from everything she knew.

Well…almost everything she knew.

Pearl had her head resting on the window when she cracked her eyes open. Dry grass, barbed wire fences and occasional cattle zipped past. The horizon glowed with the sunrise, which casted the world in its dim, warm light.

Shifting as gently as she could, Pearl managed to pull her phone out of her pocket without waking the woman beside her. It was five AM, six hours since she had left the bus station that prior night.

She had three hours till the next stop.

She sighed. Her long legs were cramped from being squished in the narrow space between the seats. At least she was thin and had some room between herself and the woman next to her. If she were any size bigger then the two would be rubbing sides.

She straightened and stared out of the window. Piano music played from her earbuds, which calmed her nerves.

As time passed, people woke up. Not even the music could drown out the sounds. Coughing, sniffling, babies crying and occasional chatter snuck their way through the earbuds, sending chills down her spine.

She looked at her phone. One more hour to go. She could do this.

The tip of her slender fingers trembled over the volume buttons. Her music was already loud. If she turned it up, would people hear? Would people know that she listened to piano music? What if they thought that she was stupid for liking piano music? Her fingertips drifted away from the buttons and her hand wrapped around her phone.

_Just an hour left. You can do this._

Time practically slowed. Each minute felt like an eternity.

Sweat beaded on her temple. Realization hit her about how tense she was. She released the muscles around her shoulders. She set down her phone, only to see a sweaty hand print on its plain, white case. Her face felt hot.

Oh no.

Her face was hot. How red was she? Could people see that she was blushing? The thought made even more heat flare in her face. If she wasn’t red then, then she definitely was now.

_Calm down. You’re making a fool of yourself._

She tried to control her breathing.

It wasn’t working.

Her face still felt hot.

Pearl’s stomach twisted horribly. She had to get away. She was trapped.

People were everywhere. The space was so cramped. She was stuck on the bus…couldn’t get off.

_Just calm down. You can’t do anything about this. Just wait!_

Pearl shot to her feet. Her limbs trembled. She hadn’t even thought about it.

_Will you sit back down?! What are you doing?!_

_But I can’t! Not now! Who stands up and sits back down?!_

Crap. How long had she been standing?! She needed to go somewhere. Her vision blurred. Pearl swallowed.

“Um…e-excuse me,” Pearl mumbled to the person next to her, looking at her chair. “May I…go out for a moment?”

The woman moved from her seat. Pearl slid past, thanking her quietly before speed-walking to the bathroom. She slid the door shut behind her and finally let her distress crash down on her.

She cussed and whimpered so softly that not even her own ears could pick it up. She leaned on the counter, letting a few tears slide down her nose, only to stop when she feared that if she went further, she’d break down sobbing.

She wouldn’t even be on this bus if she hadn’t done what she just did.

_You disaster…._

More tears threatened to leave her eyes, but Pearl sucked it up. She wanted out of here. Her skin felt gross and tingly. The bathroom- which was more like a portable toilet- reeked like urine and pine-scented air freshener. On the door was this crude yet detailed artwork of a vagina drawn with sharpie.

She remained there for a couple more minutes, allowing herself to calm down so she could leave. After fixing her makeup in the scratched, blurry mirror stained with fingerprints, she left.

One hour left until the next stop. After that, 28 more hours until she arrived. This was going to be a long, long journey.

~

And long the journey was.

Pearl couldn’t even describe the terrifying things that she had experienced. Such as the man on meth in the Albuquerque Station, or the drunk woman who threw up in the aisle several seats from her. Her bus had to be delayed in order to clean it up, and even then it _still_ smelled like vomit.

Luckily, all of that was coming to an end.

Pearl watched as buildings slowly grew in numbers. According to her phone’s map, they were almost there.

Just to confirm it, the driver’s voice reverberated from the loudspeaker.

_“We have just entered Flagstaff, Arizona, and will be arriving at the Flagstaff Transfer Station in about five minutes. We hope you have a safe trip wherever that may be, and thank you for riding with us.”_

Pearl swallowed. She guessed that this would be a good time to text Amethyst. She shakily opened her phone to the messaging app, and typed.

**Pearl: I will be arriving in a few minutes.**

Amethyst was quick to reply.

**Amethyst: Cool, I’ll be there in about ten.**

**Pearl: Thank you.**

She closed her phone and took a deep, shaky breath. She was doing this…actually doing this. Oh God, this was actually happening! Why was this-?!

_You can’t fix it. It’s already been done. Just...just be glad that you have someplace to live._

Her poor attempts at self-comfort failed. Her stomach twisted and she felt as if she’d throw up like that lady. To distract herself, she peered out of the window, looking at the buildings until they pulled into the station.

Pearl practically squirmed in anticipation as the bus began to unboard. She stood up as she waited, stretching her legs as much as they could in here.

Finally, it was her turn to leave the bus. She clutched onto her purse as she stepped off. The parking lot reeked of gasoline and cigarettes, and the sun beat down on her. It took a few minutes for her baby blue suitcase to be pulled from the bus’s bottom compartment. She dragged it to the pickup curb, skin prickling as she ignored the taxi drivers smiling at her. She stared at the pavement as she waited.

A few minutes later, her phone rang. Pearl’s heart skipped a beat before she answered it. “H-h-hello?” She cleared her throat. “Hello?” she said again, in a clearer voice.

“Hey, Pearl, it’s me. You at the station?”

“I…yes. I am.”

“Sweet. I’m about to turn in. I got a white car that’s a little dirty.”

“Alright. Thank you. I’m outside.”

They both said goodbye and Pearl hung up. Her heart shuddered again. Oh God…she was actually doing this-

_Can you calm down for one second?!_

But she was actually going to see Amethyst. _Amethyst!_

_Yes, you are, and this was your mistake, your decision, so you are going to put up with it! _Hell, she didn’t even have the money to go back if she wanted to!

…She wasted her money-

“Hey, P!”

Pearl squawked and nearly leapt in the air. She got a hold of herself to see…was that Amethyst?

There were two things that confused Pearl.

First of all, the car was not white. She could hardly tell what color it was supposed to be because of how gross it was. Dirty was an understatement, let alone a _little_ dirty. The vehicle was so caked in dust that she was surprised that it didn’t have the words _“Clean me!”_ written on it.

Secondly, the driver looked nothing like Pearl remembered. Then again, the last time Pearl saw Amethyst was before Amethyst learned to drive. Her short, dark hair was now long, wavy and colorful. But after hearing her voice and studying her face, Pearl figured that it was her.

“Need help with your bag?”

“It’s alright,” Pearl mumbled. She opened the backseat to see that it was cluttered.

“Try the trunk.”

“Right. Sorry.” She did that and placed her suitcase in.

Amethyst pushed a bunch of wrappers and receipts onto the floor. She sloppily tossed a hat and apron into the piling backseat. “You should fit in now.”

Pearl held back a grimace as she opened the door. Her shoes crackled against the garbage as she sat down. The seat felt coarse with crumbs and she shuddered.

Amethyst turned onto the road. “So how was your trip?”

_Long…tiring. _Instead Pearl said, “Good.”

“Well you got a ways to go. That’s no biggie, right?”

_Trust me, that is nothing compared to what I just went through. _“It’s alright.” She paused. “Thank you for doing this, by the way….”

“No prob. Like I said, I needed a reason to get out of town.”

The two grew silent. Pearl tapped her foot. Was Amethyst waiting for her to say something? If only the stupid words wouldn’t be caught in her throat.

Amethyst beat her to breaking the silence. “How long was your trip? Five hours?”

“Thirty-six….”

“Thirty-six _hours?!_”

“Yes….”

“That’s like a day and a half, right? Man, P, I could never do that.”

Pearl’s ears perked at what she supposed was a nickname. P? As in urine? Or the seed? It took her a second to realize that it was meant to be the first letter to Pearl’s name, and her cheeks heated in embarrassment.

An odd nickname to be given, but alright.

Silence fell over them again. Pearl twiddled her fingers, and once she noticed that she was, she folded them tight in her lap. Her heart thumped uncomfortably. She looked out of the window as they left Flagstaff, thinking about what to say.

“Um…how are…you?” Pearl asked.

“I’m G. Had a good time before returning to Podunk. Got some shit I don’t have in town. So…Beach City, huh?”

“Yes.” Something about Amethyst’s attitude told her that this was a bad idea. Did…did Amethyst hate her for this? Did she think lowly of her?! Suddenly Pearl felt sicker than she had before.

“So what brought you over to our neck of the woods?”

_Because I’m a terrible person who deserves it. _“Just to get a change in scenery.”

Amethyst nodded. “I get that.”

Beach City, Arizona. It was an ironic name for a town, considering that it was neither a city and was in a landlocked state. There were a few things that Pearl knew about Beach City. It had a population of less than two thousand, was once known for its farming, mining and the national park nearby, but now the park was the town’s only source of income. The town got its name by its founder, William Beach, and it was listed on American towns with the strangest names.

It was also Rose Quartz’s hometown. In other words, the reason why Pearl dragged herself there.

But Pearl couldn’t say that.

“It’s a…it’s a very beautiful town. Fresh air…clear skies….” She winced. What was she, an outdoorsy person?! Sure, she appreciated nature to some degree, but still, Amethyst could see through that lie like glass!

“Yeah, I guess.” Amethyst shrugged. “Been years since someone moved there though. Most people move out, so I was like…wow…okay then.”

_She’s interrogating you. She knows._

_You really made the wrong decision, didn’t you?_

_Of course you did! If you just didn’t make that mistake, you could still be in college and with Sheena and everything would be okay! But it’s not, and who knows when it will be?!_

“Thank fuck I got a roommate now,” Amethyst said. “I had my sis but she moved out.”

“I’m…glad I have a roommate too.”

Amethyst smiled. “I’d use Craigslist, but there’s no one that’s looking for a room ‘cept for this gay bottom.”

“Oh.”

She cackled. “Yeah, I don’t think he’d be into living in a house with a chick.”

~

Time passed as they drove through the desert. At some point, they stopped for gas and dinner at a gas station. Amethyst got a soggy gas station burger and a Big Gulp, while Pearl got a turkey sandwich and an Arizona Tea. The sandwich tasted amazing, although she couldn’t tell if it was because she was starving or because it was actually good<strike>.</strike>

At long last, buildings and farmland began to pop up. They passed a large sign at the side of the road that was faded with graffiti and stickers on it. Pearl could read:

Welcome to Bitch City!  
The Southwest’s Favorite Paradise

Someone had written “itch” over the “each” in “Beach”. Pearl wanted to roll her eyes.

“Well…home sweet home.” Amethyst crumpled the burger’s wrapper and threw it in the backseat.

After a few minutes of farmland, they finally made it to the actual town. Old, small buildings passed them, along with a Walmart and a couple fast food chains. It didn’t take long for them to reach the neighborhood.

“Annnnd we’re here.” Amethyst parked at a small, brick house with a sandy yard and rocky driveway. She stepped out of the car. “Just to warn ya, it’s a little dirty, but hey, it’s home.”

Something told Pearl that, like the car, “a little dirty” would be an understatement. She swallowed down her dread and got out as well, grabbing her suitcase and crunching behind Amethyst to the door.

Amethyst fumbled with her keys and…oh goodness…was that a weed keychain on it?! A shockwave of horror went through Pearl as Amethyst opened the door.

“Well…what do ya think?” She walked inside. Pearl felt sick.

In the house, dirty clothes, trash and bills littered the place. It had a dirty, musty smell to it with a faint tinge of old pizza. A stack of pizza boxes sat on the littered coffee table.

“It’s…um…nice?” Pearl squeaked.

Amethyst said nothing. Pearl’s hands began to sweat.

“So…want to see the rest of the house?”

_Absolutely not!_ “I…um…am very tired,” she whispered. “I-is alright if I…?”

Amethyst nodded. “Sure, dude! Yeah, you like traveled a day and a half, you think I’m gonna force you to stay up?” She headed to the hallway. Pearl breathed out a sigh of relief. She stepped over the plethora of garbage as she followed.

Amethyst opened a door and, to Pearl’s surprise and relief, the room was actually empty. There was dust on the window sills and cobwebs in the corners, but after what Pearl had seen, she couldn’t complain. The room was lightly furnished with a bed against the wall, a nightstand and a lamp.

“Well…here you are. I got blankets if you need any.”

“I brought my own,” Pearl lied. The last thing she needed was to sleep in filthy blankets.

“Alright. Well have a good night, P. I’ll be up, so if you need something, just holler.”

“Th-thank you….”

“Yup. See ya.”

“Goodnight….”

Amethyst left and Pearl closed the door. Once she did, she flopped on the mattress. It smelled funny and was as hard as a rock.

_What have I done…?_

_I’m roommates…with Rose’s sister! She’s DISGUSTING! Oh, God! Oh, God! _She couldn’t breathe.

_What have I done?! Oh, God, I want to go home!_

But she was home. This was her home now. The realization made tears spring from her eyes and she sobbed into the mattress, muffling herself as to not alert Amethyst.

_Why…why?_

An hour passed as she cried quietly. By the time she was done, she was congested and her head pulsed. The exhaustion hit her as she rubbed her swollen eyes and blew her nose.

This was her home now.

Too tired to care about the gross mattress, Pearl curled against the wall and used her arms as a pillow. She drifted to sleep once her eyes closed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to my girlfriend, wintersnowflake, for betaing c: also thank you to those who reviewed

Pearl slept for twelve hours.

At first, she had expected to wake up in her bed at home. In her squishy mattress, with Sheena beside her, lavender incense burning and traffic rolling outside. Instead, she awoke on a stiff mattress, alone, only smelling dust and not hearing the road. She sat up.

Dawn trickled through the blinds. Pearl pushed herself off of the bed, hissing at her sore back, before opening the blinds and peering out at the backyard.

The yard was small and dead, with a few dry shrubs and cacti. Behind the metal fence, distant mountains jutted in the dimly lit horizon.

Footsteps. Pearl looked over her shoulder. Shadows crossed beneath the bottom of her door as the footsteps trudged from the hallway. Something clanged, followed by a fridge hissing.

A few minutes later, something sizzled as the scent of bacon made her mouth water. She made a mental note to get groceries later today…whenever Amethyst wasn’t around.

Pearl decided to kill time by setting up her room. She put her clothes in the closet as Amethyst ate. Eventually, Amethyst returned to her own room, and came back out again. Pearl then heard the front door open and close, followed by a car rumbling out of the driveway, fading down the street.

Just to make absolutely certain that she was gone, Pearl waited for a few more minutes. Silence. Carefully, she stood up. She crept to her door and slowly cracked it open. After making sure that the coast was clear, she slinked outside.

She had hoped that it was a nightmare.

The house was still disgusting. Pearl scowled, but stepped forward anyway.

She walked through the living room to see what other horrors were beyond it. Behind it was a narrow kitchen that was just as filthy, if not worse. Piles of dishes filled the sink, including plastic utensils. She couldn’t even see the table with how much trash was on it, and the walls were stained with grease.

If she were hungry, she definitely wasn’t now. She needed a shower.

The bathroom was easy to find. At least the shower was alright. She expected it to be moldy, but it was…decent. Not clean, but not horrifying. She grabbed her soaps and scrubbed herself, feeling slightly better when she stepped out.

Pearl sighed.

After changing, she reapplied her makeup, concealing her faulty skin and big nose. At least her hair wasn’t much work. She had chopped it short in a pixie cut ever since moving out of her parents’. She had also dyed it blonde for a while, since she hated its natural pigment, but stopped because Sheena liked redheads.

She walked back out, purse over her shoulder as she prepared to go to the store. She was in the living room when something caught her eye.

A familiar face.

Rose Quartz.

Pearl froze, eyes locked on the shelf ahead of her. Photos lined it, including…Rose.

The next thing she knew, she had drifted to the shelf. She carefully lifted the first photo she saw, blew off the dust and studied it.

It was the same picture that Pearl had hung up in her own home, before they broke up seven years ago. It was Rose’s senior year photo. Her long hair flowed out behind her as she rested elegantly near a rose bush, smelling one of the bright pink flowers as her long, wavy white dress spread out around her. Pearl remembered adoring that photo. Rose was always so beautiful…but this picture especially was.

She gently placed the photo back and looked at more. Next to Rose was Rosa Quartz. She was the Quartz sisters’ mother, and she had short, curly hair. Pearl remembered her being tall, not unlike two of her three daughters. Amethyst had inherited her dad’s short stature instead.

Pearl’s gaze almost drifted to the next until something caught her eye. Barely visible on Rosa’s frame, faded letters spelled the words _“In loving memory.”_

_She…died? _Pearl’s stomach dropped. When did that happen? It had to have been after their breakup or after Rose passed away, because Pearl didn’t remember Rose mentioning this.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Pearl studied the others. More members of the Quartz family that Pearl didn’t recognize lined the shelf. There were more photos of Rose, including her maternity ones that made Pearl sick…and then pictures of a baby.

Pearl narrowed her eyes. She had never seen those pictures.

He looked so much like her…especially in that school photo. He looked to be about six or seven years of age. He had the same smile. Those same, youthful, beaming, dark eyes. The same, delicate curls in his dark hair.

Pearl wanted to punch something.

Suddenly, she stormed away from the shelf. She was in the kitchen now, crushing the soap bottle and splattering its contents on the sponge. She smashed the sponge onto a dish and scrubbed. Fuck. She couldn’t take this anymore! She had to decompress!

Most of all, she was absolutely sick of this!

~

The sun had just set. Pearl flipped a switch, lighting the room and revealing a clean house.

_What have I done…?_

At first, pride had glimmered in her after looking at her work, but now shame and fear took its place. What _had_ she done? She cleaned everything! What if Amethyst didn’t like it? What if Amethyst liked the clutter and Pearl went too far out of her lane?! She just couldn’t control herself…the place was so dirty!

What was Pearl to do?

The house didn’t look anything like it did yesterday. The dumpster outside overflowed with trash now. The table and countertops sparkled. All of the dirty, plastic utensils in the sink were discarded while the silverware was cleaned and neatly put away. Bills were organized by date in a stack, dirty clothes tumbled in the washing machine and the floors were clear.

It was too perfect…there was no way that Pearl could undo this.

_Crackle crunch._

Pearl’s ears perked. Car headlights danced through the window as the unmistakable sound of a car’s wheels rolled on the rocky driveway. Her face paled.

_Oh God._

Crap. Well if she wanted to fix her mistake, she definitely couldn’t now. Pearl remained frozen. Her hands trembled as the door unlocked behind her.

What was she to do? Run to her room? Say that someone else did that? But who would that someone be? She was the only one-

Okay, now she just felt bad for even considering blaming another person. What was wrong with her?!

The door opened.

“Holy shit.” Amethyst’s words pierced her like a thousand daggers.

Pearl’s heart stopped. She refused to look at Amethyst. Her face was hot and damp.

_Don’t just stand there! Do something, won’t you?!_

Pearl slowly turned around. If she were to fess up, then she had to do it right now.

Pearl stared at the floor, refusing to look at Amethyst’s possibly horrified expression as Amethyst stepped around, checking out the place.

“Were you the one that did this, P?”

Pearl bit her lip and swallowed the lump in her throat. She struggled not to cry as she squeaked out a painful, strained, “Yes.”

“Holy fuck.”

Pearl still stared at the floor. “I’m…I’m sor-”

“It looks good.”

Pearl stopped. She looked up, her blue eyes wide. Amethyst smiled at her. She wore a black and red shirt, apron and baseball hat of the same colors. She…wasn’t mad? She was…thankful? Pearl looked away again, feeling much better. Her cheeks, however, burned more. “Oh, um…you’re welcome.” She looked back at her. “Do you like it?”

“Hell yeah, I like it. I mean, okay, it’s kinda creeping me out? But in a good way.”

“Creeping you out…?”

“Yeah, because it’s so clean that it’s like nobody lives here.”

_What do you mean? My homes have always been cleaner than this. _Instead, Pearl kept her mouth shut, save for saying, “Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine! I kinda wanted it clean, but never did anything about it. I’m fine, just as long as you didn’t clean my room.”

“I did not.”

“Okay, good. But anyway, thanks, dude.”

“You’re welcome.”

Amethyst slapped her on the back and Pearl bit back a yelp. “I knew keeping you around was a good idea!”

“Oh, um….” Pearl blushed harder. “You’re welcome,” she said again, wishing that she had long hair again to hide her face in.

“Hey, P?”

Pearl’s stomach dropped again. “Yes?”

Amethyst looked to the side, rubbing the back of her neck. “So, uh…I’m tired and don’t feel like cooking today, so I was gonna get pizza.” She looked back at her. “You wanna join?”

Pearl stopped. Now that she thought of it, she had completely forgotten to walk to the store! She had no food. She hadn’t eaten all day. But still…should she really? “Pizza?”

“Yeah, I mean…if you want.”

“Oh, um…you don’t have to…” she whispered.

Amethyst’s brows furrowed. “You sure, dude? It’s my treat.”

Pearl stared at the carpet. What should she do? What should she say? She was definitely hungry, that was for sure. But…going out to pizza with somebody sounded so intimidating. She’d have to talk to Amethyst, and eat in front of Amethyst! What if Pearl accidentally got sauce on her cheek and Amethyst thought she was a slob, or what if she didn’t know what to say, or-?!

“Hey, it’s up to you,” Amethyst continued.

But no…if Amethyst invited her, then Pearl couldn’t snub her…right?! Or was this offer a test to Pearl’s character? Pearl felt sick just thinking about it.

But then she thought about Amethyst eating alone. Wasn’t that why Pearl never ate out? Because she didn’t want to be seen alone? Pearl bit her lip as Amethyst began to walk off.

Amethyst untied her apron as she spoke. “Just let me know when you decide-”

“Yes.”

Amethyst looked back at her. “Yes that you’re going?”

Pearl nodded.

Amethyst’s eyes brightened. She grinned. “Sweet! Is thirty minutes good?”

Pearl nodded again. “Whenever you are ready.”

Amethyst continued to smile. “Awesome. Lemme just change. I smell like fucking burgers.” She walked down the hallway and disappeared into her room.

Pearl breathed deeply. She hadn’t realized that she’d been holding her breath. She placed a hand over her racing chest, energized from the interaction.

What did she just do?

~

A few minutes later, Amethyst’s door opened. Pearl looked from the couch. She had been playing a Tetris game on her phone as she waited.

Amethyst was no longer in her work uniform, but instead in a jacket and ripped jeans. She plopped onto the couch next to Pearl as she put her shoes on. Pearl wondered if she should say something, but she couldn’t think of what to say.

_Where are we going? _She could say that. Would it be a Pizza Hut? A family business? Another place?

The words simply rested on her tongue.

Amethyst finished putting her shoes on and stood up. “You ready, girl?”

Pearl nodded.

Amethyst snatched her keys off the coffee table and opened the door. Pearl followed her and waited at the car as Amethyst locked the house. Sweat beaded on her temple.

_Have you spoken once since she left her room?! _she demanded herself, shame and awkwardness writhing in her. She got in the passenger’s seat once Amethyst sat in the driver’s.

“So…ever been to Fish Stew Pizza?” Amethyst asked as they pulled out of the driveway.

_Fish Stew Pizza…? _That was an unappetizing name for a pizza parlor. “Never,” Pearl said.

Amethyst looked from the road to give her a surprised look. “You’ve been to Beach City but _never_ had Fish Stew?” She laughed. “Dude, I’m taking you to Fish Stew.”

“Um…a-alright.”

“Trust me, you’ll love it. It’s like the best thing in this fucking town.”

They drove for a couple minutes into town until Amethyst parked on Main Street. The place was empty, with most of the buildings having signs that said “For Lease” on the windows. Pearl followed Amethyst to a building with a fish-shaped pizza logo above the door. A bell dinged above them as they walked in.

“Welcome to Fish Stew!” a girl said from the counter. Her eyes brightened and she smiled. “Amethyst, hey! Long time no see!”

Amethyst laughed. “Hey, Jenny. I know, right? Two weeks without pizza is too long.”

“I’m guessing the usual?”

“One medium of that and whatever she wants,” Amethyst said as she gestured at Pearl, making her back prickle.

The girl looked over Amethyst’s shoulder. Pearl avoided eye contact. “Who’s the friend?”

To Pearl’s horror, Amethyst looked at Pearl and she realized that they were expecting herself to answer. “My name is…Pearl,” she strained out. “It is nice to…meet you.”

“She’s my new roommate,” Amethyst said.

Jenny nodded. “Oh, yeah! Jasper moved out, didn’t she? Where’s that girl off to now?”

Amethyst shrugged. “Still here, just wanted a different place. But I think it’s because she’s sick of all that pizza, that fucking health nut.” She laughed and nudged Pearl. “Hope you like this."

Pearl laughed nervously. “I-I do,” she lied.

After browsing the menu quickly, swear pouring down her neck, Pearl gracelessly ordered a small cheese pizza. She usually couldn’t decide easily, worried that she would get judged, but since Amethyst was paying, she decided to go for the cheapest pizza. She didn’t want to mooch off of Amethyst. She already felt guilty that Amethyst was paying.

After Amethyst paid and they got their drinks, they sat at a table and waited. Pearl sipped her iced tea as Amethyst tried to start conversation, mostly about typical things, such as the weather. Pearl managed to engage, as painful and difficult as it was. Another girl came out with two pizzas.

“Order for Amethyst!” the girl said, placing a pizza with a monstrous amount of toppings in front of her. “One pizza with literally all the toppings, and one cheese.” She placed the cheese pizza in front of Pearl.

“Thanks, Kiki!” Amethyst said.

“No, problem! Enjoy!” She returned to the kitchen.

Amethyst dug in immediately. That girl wasn’t kidding about having all the toppings. It had everything- pepperoni, olives, pineapple, bacon, bell peppers, mushrooms, pine nuts, anchovies, artichoke and much more.

Pearl bit into her own. It was…alright. She had tried much better back in Empire City, but she assumed that there weren’t as many options in this town.

“Is it good or what?” Amethyst said with a mouthful.

_Please swallow before you speak, _she wanted to tell Amethyst. Instead, Pearl nodded.

“It’s my favorite place. Was Rose’s too.”

Pearl paused. It was? Rose had never mentioned this place before.

“Well…when she was pregnant anyway.” She took another bite. “Rose always craved the-” Suddenly Amethyst stopped, as if realizing her mistake. She looked at Pearl, who must have looked as uncomfortable as she felt. “Oh, uh…I mean….”

Pearl looked back at her pizza. She didn’t touch it. “It’s alright,” she mumbled.

“Look, uh.” She set her slice down. “What she did was…it was fucked up. I know that.”

“It’s alright,” Pearl repeated. “It…it isn’t your fault.”

Awkward silence fell over them as Amethyst slowly chewed her food. Pearl gave a couple more nibbles to her slice before setting it down. She stood up. “Excuse me for a moment….”

“No prob, dude,” Amethyst said softly. Pearl slipped away through the hall and into the bathroom. She shut the door behind her and locked it. She just stood there, needing to be alone. She leaned against the door, watching the white room blur with tears.

_Please get a hold of yourself._

The lump in her throat was painful.

_What made you think that this was a good idea?_

_That is Rose’s sister. ROSE’S SISTER! You…you killed Rose…and now you’re moving in with her sister?!_

_The _audacity_ you must have!_

Pearl smacked the side of her fist against the wall, sending a short jolt of pain in her bony hand.

_You’re sick. At least you spared Sheena before she could lose her mind like Rose! She’s better off without you!_

Pearl shook with silent sobs. She held herself with one hand and covered her mouth with the other, hot tears rolling down her cheeks.

She wanted Sheena back…she wanted her company and to be held by her, be told that everything would be okay, but that was never going to happen again.

She wanted Rose back. If not in a relationship, then back from the dead.

But that was never going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reviews much appreciated! thank you


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone who reviewed! even if i dont respond to all of them, i appreciate them and they make my day.~

A week had passed since Pearl had moved in. She sat on her bed with her laptop, browsing multiple tabs of job posting websites. She refreshed each site as she browsed, meticulously searching for any new listings.

She cussed under her breath. Not once today had a new job posting shown up, nor had anyone call her for an interview. She should have considered that before moving to a dying town.

_Perhaps it will get busier in the summer, _she figured, remembering the amount of visitors the national parks nearby got at that time of year. But that time was so far away. It was only the end of October.

Pearl shut her laptop and sighed, looking around her room. She already spent money on sheets, a pillow and blanket. They were just plain white sheets, to her dismay. Pearl would have preferred something more colorful, since white easily stained and showed dirt, but they were on sale and her only choice. The rest of her room was uncannily empty save for the nightstand.

God, she needed some hobbies. Ones that didn’t cost money. She also wanted to make that yard pretty every time she glanced out of her window, but even _that_ costed money to do.

Pearl pushed herself off the bed and dragged herself out of her room to the kitchen. She was pouring herself a glass of water when she spotted Amethyst hanging up ghost lights on the front porch.

“Hey, P!” she called from outside, the cold, autumn breeze going through the open door.

Pearl set her glass down and padded over. Amethyst nodded to a bag of Halloween decorations sitting on the steps.

“Feel like helping me hang that bat up, tall stuff?”

“Um…” Pearl swallowed. “S-sure.” She dug through the bag until she pulled this disturbingly detailed, plastic bat from the pile. Its mouth was open in a snarl, and it had red eyes and blood around its lips.

“Thanks, dude,” Amethyst said as Pearl placed it on the hanger Amethyst pointed out. “Jasp usually helps me every year, but she decided to move out.” Amethyst rolled her eyes.

“How…come?”

“Pfft. To be boring, probably.” She finished putting the lights on the porch railing. “I bet she didn’t even decorate. Not that there’s a point ‘cause who the fuck trick-or-treats that far out of town? So what are you doing for Halloween?”

Pearl paused. She hadn’t expected Amethyst to unleash that question so suddenly.

What should she say? The truth was that she was doing nothing. But she couldn’t say that. It was too sad.

“Um….” Pearl mulled it over. “I-I’m just…go-going to adjust, I suppose. To the town. You?”

Amethyst shrugged. “Stay home. Normally there’d be a party, but that was before our high school friends moved away and Jasper got boring. Or I’d go trick or treating with Steven, but he’s going to this church thing this year called Hallelujah Night. It’s this thing where you get candy for singing praise songs or whatever? I’d rather not deal. So…I’ll just hand out candy to the heathen children.”

“Steven?”

“My nephew.”

_Rose’s son…. _Pearl said nothing.

Amethyst shrugged. “It ain’t bad though. At least I got a lot of candy to fill up on while I watch horror shit.” She laughed. “And I’m going to carve pumpkins with him today, so that’s a thing.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yup.” She attached cobwebs to the porch and stepped back. She admired the work. “Now that’s one creepy house. Thanks, P!”

“O-of course.”

Amethyst smiled. Just then, a van pulled into the driveway. It was white and looked sort of old, but was well-maintained.

Pearl wondered if she should go back to her room, but it was too late. Whoever was in the van had already seen her, and she couldn’t just leave now! That would be rude! She had to…ugh…greet them. Pearl was bad with introductions, and she was sure to make things uncomfortable.

Pearl swallowed down the sickness bubbling in her stomach.

A bearded man stepped out of the van. His scalp was thinning despite the long, brown hair draping over his back. He opened the backseat and a child hopped out. The kid looked so familiar.

He was the same child in the pictures. Especially in the recent one.

Pearl thought she’d throw up. She clenched her fists but held a straight face.

“Hey, Greg! Hi, Steven!” Amethyst said. She didn’t need to bend down when she opened her arms, inviting the boy into a hug.

“Hi, Auntie Amy!” the boy, Steven, said as the two embraced. Pearl stepped back. She was more focused on _Greg._

He sure aged poorly. Pearl once would torture herself by looking at a picture of Rose and Greg together, and she remembered somewhat of how he looked. She had seen why Rose was attracted to him. But now…eight years later, his full head of hair was disappearing and wrinkles had appeared on his face.

The boy finished hugging Amethyst and bounced back, peering up at Pearl now. Pearl’s blood ran cold. “Hi, lady I don’t know!”

“Hello,” Greg said with a pleasant smile, so, so _unaware_ of who she was. He held out his hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Greg Universe.”

_Greg Universe. _So he still kept up with that stupid, fake surname.

It took so much willpower for her to put her hand in his. She shook lightly and pulled away, needing not only hand sanitizer, but also a shower after only that brief contact.

Greg held his smile. It radiated awkwardness. “What’s your name?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh…. Ohhh, yeah, haha.” Amethyst laughed nervously. She slapped an arm around Pearl. Pearl wanted to hide. “Guys, I’d like to introduce you to…my new roommate! Uhhh….”

“Pearl White,” Pearl whispered, her eyes on the ground, refusing to look at any of them.

“Yeah! Pearl White!” Amethyst laughed a few more, pained laughs.

In the corner of her eye, Greg’s smile disappeared. “Pearl White? Wait. Amethyst, your roommate is-?”

“Hi, Pearl,” Steven said with a smile. He looked at the others and frowned. “Is something wrong?”

Amethyst continued her façade. “Not at all, Steven! Are you ready to carve those pumpkins?”

“Yeah!” Steven beamed. Amethyst took his hand and they went inside. From inside, he could be heard exclaiming, “Wow, it’s so clean in here!”

And now Pearl was alone with Greg.

A thick blanket of awkward silence filled the atmosphere between them. Pearl continued looking at the ground, twiddling her thumbs. Greg held his arm behind his back.

After a few, painful moments, Greg was the first to speak. “I’m…I’m surprised. It’s nice to finally meet you in person, Pearl.”

“Likewise,” Pearl lied.

“What…brought you over here?” There was a tinge of concern in his voice. She couldn’t tell what the concern was directed to, but it definitely wasn’t toward her. Crap.

Pearl breathed out a sigh. “Change.” What a bullshit answer that was.

Greg nodded. “Well…I hope you find happiness in it.”

Pearl held herself. “Thank you.” She turned her back on him and walked inside. Greg made the same comment as Steven.

“Wow! Amethyst! This house is spotless! How did that happen?”

Pearl hoped that Amethyst would lie. Before she could face whatever Amethyst would say, she rushed to her room and closed the door.

“P did it! Pretty badass, right?” Amethyst’s muffled voice said through the door. Pearl would have been flattered if her mood wasn’t sour.

“P?” Steven’s voice said.

“Pearl,” Amethyst said.

“Where did she go?”

“She’s a busy woman. Probs doing busy woman things.”

Pearl sighed again. She trudged to her bed and collapsed on it, then plugged her earbuds in and blasted classical music as she laid there. Whatever horrible things they may be saying, she didn’t want to hear. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep.

~

It was dark when Pearl finally woke up. Music continued playing in her ears. She ripped the earbuds out, expecting silence. Instead, she heard faint talking from outside her door.

Pearl strained her ears. She tried to detect Greg and Steven’s voices, but all she heard were women talking, background music and a laugh track. It was the television. Pearl sank her head back in the pillow and her stomach grumbled.

She had forgotten to eat today. She wondered if she should go get something to eat. What if Greg and Steven were still over, watching TV with Amethyst? She’d rather skip dinner than encounter them again.

But she was also really hungry.

_So what? Your stomach can wait! _she scolded herself. _Just get through the night. It is not that difficult._

She remained on the bed for some time, still feeling too awful to get up. Eventually, she pushed herself hard enough to change into pajamas. Her mouth also felt disgusting. She hated going to bed without brushing her teeth, but like her stomach, her teeth could wait.

_Until you get cavities and lose even more money._

_You are not going to get cavities from one night of not brushing!_

_Just do it anyway or you’ll lose sleep, you hypochondriac. The bathroom is close to your room!_

Pearl huffed at herself. _Fine then. _She pushed herself off the bed and quietly opened her door. She scanned the hallway and, sure that it was clear, she slipped out and tiptoed to the bathroom.

She brushed her teeth. That was so, so much better. Sleeping without that minty aftertaste would have been torture. She spat and washed her toothbrush, then left the bathroom. Before she could cross the hall into her room, curiosity took the reins for a moment and she glanced at the living room. Her shoulders relaxed in relief.

It was only Amethyst sprawled out on the couch.

Her stomach growled again.

Alright…so Amethyst was the only one here. But still…what if she confronted Pearl about that awkward interaction? She couldn’t bear to remember such an awful experience!

_Perhaps if I just get an apple? _All she would have to do was snatch one from the fridge, wash it real quick and return to her room.

Pearl slipped out of the hall, as quietly and quickly as she could. She could feel Amethyst’s eyes rest on her. Immediately, Pearl regretted her impulsive decision when Amethyst spoke.

“Hey, P,” she said, digging into a bowl of popcorn on her belly.

Pearl waved and opened the fridge, taking out a red apple.

“Uh…sorry about that shit with Greg. I had no idea they’d be here that early.”

Pearl didn’t look at her as she washed her apple. Eventually, she pushed out a, “It’s alright.”

“You cool?”

Pearl nodded.

“Good. Uh…I know this is weird but…and you totally don’t gotta do this if you don’t want to but…Steven’s birthday is coming up and I’m wondering if you wanna go.”

Pearl blinked. She turned her head towards Amethyst. “To his…birthday?”

Amethyst nodded. She rested her head on her arm as she stared at the TV. Eye contact was painful for both of them right now, apparently. “You don’t have to, dude. I just thought…maybe….” Her voice drained out.

_Maybe what? _Pearl wanted to ask, but she held her tongue.

“Look, Greg was a shithead back then. But he’s cool now! And Steven is too. He told me today that he’s up to making up, if you want.”

Great. They were talking about her. But…make up? Like reconcile? Was that even possible?

Pearl didn’t know what to say.

“Like I said, you don’t have to.”

Pearl thought for a moment. Should she really? But also…she couldn’t just…be rude! But….

What was the point of holding a grudge? It wasn’t like Rose could be brought back to life. Bitterness filled her. She already had nothing to lose anyway.

“Alright,” Pearl said.

Amethyst looked up at her. She cocked a brow. “Really?”

Pearl’s heart jolted. Was that a rhetorical question? “Um…” She looked away. “If…if it’s okay. I…want to make up…with Greg.” That sentence was so painful to release. She took a deep breath. “May I?”

A small smile pushed up Amethyst’s lips. “Yeah. I knew you’d come around. If I didn’t know it, then I wouldn’t have let you be my roommate.”

_Oh God. _What a mistake Amethyst made. Maybe Pearl will end up getting kicked out of here too, and be stuck on the streets.

“It’s next week. You’re not busy, right?”

Pearl shook her head.

“Sweet. Well have a good night, P.”

“Good night,” Pearl whispered, clutching her apple. She slowly turned and trudged to her room, no longer having an appetite.

This was such a bad idea.

But maybe there was hope as well. Maybe Pearl really could make up with Greg. Maybe after seven years, she could finally move past Rose and find closure.

It had to be possible.

Hopefully.


	4. why i havent updated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not a chapter, just an update

this is the whiniest thing im ever gonna type but i think i should explain myself anyway. im not trying to fish for validation here; i just need to talk about this somewhere.

i havent updated in a while, let alone wrote. i dont know if or when ill get back into it tbh.

basically i got a bad review a few weeks ago (since deleted and in the void). which, i know, is the stupidest and whiniest excuse ever. now, a disclaimer, im fine with most bad reviews and constructive criticism! normally i just ignore the completely negative ones and take advice from the constructive ones. i like hearing peoples opinions. im FINE with hearing peoples opinions.

but this one hit me in my most vulnerable spot.

it was very patronizing and said that i must be very young (i am in my twenties, so i am young, but this implied that im still in school young). they said that they hated pearls struggles and that she is an awful representation of mental illness, and then they went on this lecture about how they have depression / anxiety and that its Not Like That. they said that im probably neurotypical. basically just implying that im some edgy, whiny little shit that doesnt understand mental illness at all.

i know that its not true. i am diagnosed with both, with both considered severe occurrences. im on medications for them and im in therapy (yes i talked to my therapist about this). however...like a lot of mentally ill people, sometimes i do wonder if im faking it. so that review, despite my fact checking and therapy sessions, has managed to bury deep into a wound and im still struggling to heal from it.

the worst part about this is that this fanfiction is my catharsis fic. i wrote it with the only purpose to vent my struggles with these illnesses. maybe that was a mistake, putting something so personal online, but thats what i did. someone calling pearls struggles bullshit and nothing but a childish, whiny, neurotypical interpreted version of mental illness was...well...it just hurt me so bad that i lost all will to write. ive been waiting and waiting for that feeling to come back, but it hasnt, hence this update.

i feel more alienated than i already had. like are my struggles really so ridiculous? just a bunch of preteen bullshit that my grown ass should not care about anymore? am i faking it? can anyone relate to me or am i really as alone as i feel? am i a horrible writer, even on a subject so close to me? thats whats been going through my head for these few weeks.

but yeah thats pretty much it. ill stop now.


	5. More Update

Not a chapter. Sorry.

I just wanted to say that I have read all the responses in the previous update and I appreciate everything people have said. <3 Thank you so much for everyone that took their time to type something nice. I am still alive and I'm very grateful for everyone here. I've been waiting to return here but it's been a very long time now and I don't want to disappear without a word. Kinda embarrassing that it took me this long to respond.

I was gone because I needed a break from fic and to work on my stories- original stories to be exact. Also my life has been chaotic and I've been in the process of moving, and my job is long and exhausting. I've spent much of my extra time sleeping to regain energy sapped from work.

But when not sleeping, I tried to write. I even attempted an original version of this story, because I'm so attached to it, but then I realized I need something completely distanced from fic...at least for a while. And then sometime later, after my creativity has been a wasteland, my brain came up with this epic fantasy idea. Now I've latched onto that and it's been relieving to some degree. (Also yes, if you're wondering, it touches on the same issues as this story does lol. Maybe not at such intense levels or playing as the focus, but it's very much an obstacle in the story.)

I still love this story and hold it near and dear to my heart. However...I don't know if or when I'll get back to it. It's hard to tell really. My future is just this big haze: A lot is changing and I know my mood will change with it.

I'm writing my fantasy story, which I plan to complete before I release it to the world. I don't know if I'm going to try publish it or post it on here in the "original work" tag. It'll take at least several of months to get that far. I definitely know that I don't want to leave people hanging though, like I have with this story.

But yeah. That's the gist of my thoughts. I just didn't want to vanish without a word.

I hope this account doesn't die, but some part of me feels that it's coming to an end. Again- the future is a haze right now so who knows. But in case this is the end of my account, if anyone wants to talk to me, my discord is Smilo#2326. Just tell me that you came from here so that I don't get confused heh.


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